(My first attempt at a movie review)

After spending the beautiful Sunday with my church members on George’s Island (Boston Harbor) commemorating the tragedy of Hiroshima/Nagasaki bombings I found myself getting ready to see G.I. Joe: The Rise of Cobra. Admittedly the primary reason I have wanted to see this movie since it was advertised is the incredibly sexy men starring in it (such as Channing Tatum, Saïd Taghmaoui, Joseph Gordon-Levitt, and Marlon Wayans. Sienna Miller is quite gorgeous as well of course.) The movie opens with the audience quite confused because of an origin story dating back to the 1500′s in Europe, but to understand that better you’ll just have to sit through the movie. Quickly we are brought into the world of a multi-national weapons manufacturer who has clear desires to control the world, placing power in the hands he sees fit. The action starts right off with some great things blowing up courtesy of CGI graphics. Actually, while watching the movie you may find yourself thinking you accidentally fell into someone’s video games. Whenever someone dies (which is quite often) there is a stifled little scream in the background, not unlike a zombie killing video game I played once. I would explain more of the plot but there is not much of one to explain.

The “good guys”, NATO, (G.I. Joe is not actually the ‘American Heroe’ but rather a squad of international elite fighting machines who just so happen to be controlled by the United States and be dominated by people from the U.S. and English speaking folks) are supposed to be purchasing these evil nanobyte critters that devour metal and have the capacity to destroy entire cities and when transporting this new weapon of mass destruction it is taken by the “bad guys” who then plan to use it to destroy Moscow, Washington, and Beijing. The rest of the movie is a race to stop this from happening. Fortunately we do get to see these little weapons/critters in action as they take down the Eiffel Tower in Paris (pretty hilarious to watch giant phallic statues crumbling down, funnier was the transition from the fallen Eiffel Tower to the standing Washington Monument/U.S. penis).

The movie is certainly an exploration of masculinity and manhood as practiced through violence, feminization of the enemy, and total subjugation of women. The only role of women in this movie is to be subject to the whims of the men, make humorous comments about shoes, and/or wear outfits that make their breasts look huge and ridiculous. The romantic relationships are absurd, unbelievable, and embarrassing for everyone involved. I would suggest it is possible that Saïd Taghmaoui’s character is supposed to be a homo but that could just be my wishful thinking and maybe the movie attempt at making the Moroccan soldier seem swishy and weak. The characters of color are all parodies of racial stereotypes and depend on those stereotypes to be identified and to stick out as playing their token roles. I was surprised that the “bad guys” were not all dark all the time and the “good guys” all white/light all the time. That was a benefit.

Best highlights – Brandon Fraser is in this movie! Where did he even come from? My friend and I decided he may have begged to be allowed in, understandably for Brandon Fraser.

Dennis Quaid, as the head of G.I. Joe force does indeed spout the vital slogan, “knowing is half the battle!” I certainly clapped when that happened (though I was a lone clapper in the audience, boring Boston theater attendees).

Work out scene where Marlon Wayans and Channing Tatum are shirtless and could not look gayer if they tried. It’s so sexy and homoerotic. Check out a pic here.

The underwater command center, the RIDICULOUS images of planes landing in desert area, and the arctic circle ice were all done with some of the worst CGI graphics I have ever seen in my life, it was endearing.

BIGGEST TRAGEDY – Joseph Gordon-Levitt was not looking cute in this movie.

Other tragedies:
Racism
Imperialism
U.S. elitism
Patriarchy
and such.

All in all… I would not suggest going to see it. However watching it while hearing small children in the front reminds me that I will never let children around me watch crazy violence like that without some sort of serious conversation about the realities of war and empire.